Ultimate Big Brother: Day 11

Posted on by stuckon194

Day 11
(Daily updates using only screen-grabs from Yahoo! News as Metro have given up… Well you don’t expect me to watch it do you?)

Simply massive news from the world of Ultimate Big Brother. Yes people, you’re not still asleep… Metro have written an article with an update. On their website no less. Blimey!

Ultimate Big Brother: Day 11

Unfortunately it appears to be bobbins as they decide to run with the 75% nonsense headline “Makosi Musambasi and Nadia Almada evicted.” I’m guessing that what they actually mean is that Nadia Sawalha is out and it is a typically shoddy bit of Metro journalism that is the cause of the other inaccuracies.

Anyway, if my calculations are correct, we have the following housemates left in the Alternative Ultimate Big Brother House.

Samuel
Sharon
Nikki
Ulrika-ka-ka
Mrs Obama
Mr Garrison
Mr Hat
Nick Cotton
Lembit
Masood
BRIAN BLESSED

What an unlikely bunch of reprobates. So, out of this rabble, who is now favourite? Who is the housemate on the secret mission? Who let the dogs out? Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler? Who framed Roger Rabbit? Who cares?

Tune in tomorrow to see if I can be bothered to make my housemates do something. I should do really seeing as they’re there, waiting in anticipation like a house full of… erm… coiled springs.

I suppose that’s where my ‘Alternative’ concept falls down. Nobody would actually endure eleven days of a television show if nothing ever happened on it? Would they?

Fin.

Who Do You Think…?

Posted on by stuckon194

Dear BBC1 and ITV bosses,

After looking at this evening’s television schedule, I can’t help but think that you may be missing a trick.

If you look carefully between 7pm and 8pm, you will notice that BBC2 has “Who Do You Think You Are?” while C4 has gone for something called “Who Do You Think You Were?”

These shows seem to have little competition from your channels in the primetime Friday night ratings battle, with The One Show and England v Bulgaria being the respective terrestrial rivals. (I confess that I didn’t bother looking to see what Channel 5 has to offer.)

Panic not as there are still a couple of hours to go before 7pm. You may therefore wish to consider quickly knocking up one of my most genius TV show ideas as a viewer grabbing alternative to the guff that you are planning to broadcast.

Who Do You Think You Could Have Been?
A man explores the possibility of what he may have actually achieved in life if he hadn’t joined the Civil Service after University.

Who Do You Think You Will Be Next?
An agnostic supermarket worker begins a fascinating voyage of discovery when she is whisked off to Tibet to spend seven years with the Dalai Lama.

Who Do You Think Yam?
A man from the Black Country discovers some shocking revelations about his family’s involvement in the illegal trade of grey peas and bacon during the First World War.

Don’t worry, you can have these for nowt if you like. And there’s plenty more where they came from if you fancy offering me the job of, say, Director-General or something? Just a thought.

Love,

Stuckon194 x

Who Do You Think...?

Ultimate Big Brother: Day 10

Posted on by stuckon194

Day Ten
(Daily updates using only screen-grabs from Yahoo! News as Metro have given up… Well you don’t expect me to watch it do you?)

Two more arrivals literally crashed into the house on day ten. Well, one may have arrived during day nine but that will ruin my first line so I will ignore this. Surely I’m allowed a little creative freedom in this otherwise 100% genuine and bone-fide account of telly? Ahem…

First of all, a third EastEnder, none-other than Nitin Ganatra, best known for his role as Masood Ahmed, arrived. Shortly… erm… preceded by shouty, beardy, former Z-Cars and Flash Gordon actor BRIAN BLESSED!!!!!

“But why did you find it so important to use the phrase crashed into?” I hear you mumble somewhere on the horizon, wiping bits of congealed pop tart from around your sticky little mouths as you do so.

Why? Because Masood and BRIAN BLESSED spent the day smashing plates, that’s why. Didn’t you look at the pic? Duh!

Ultimate Big Brother: Day 10

Masood took a while to settle on a preferred technique for this, lets face it, not all that tricky when you compare it to advanced string theory or getting a deflated air-bed back into its case, task. Eventually he discovered that the best smashage was obtained by throwing them straight at Sharon and Nikki’s thick heads.

BRIAN BLESSED, on the other hand, had no such plans for faffing about like a big girl and destroyed pile upon pile of the porcelain crockery in seconds, simply by SHOUTING AT THEM! Job done.

And the rest of the housemates spent the entire day clearing up broken plates.

Fin.

Beverly Hills 20910

Posted on by stuckon194
screenshot1 150x107 Beverly Hills 20910

Army of Dave

@ArmyofDave posted the following tweet which made me chuckle quite a lot this morning.

Dear America.
It’s not “Beverly Hills” day if you write dates properly.
Love
The UK x

Yes. If we write dates properly, as we tend to do back in blighty, 90210 would become 20910 which means diddly squat to us. This also, quite coincidentally, means exactly the same as 90210 means to us. Fact.

Anyway, it got me thinking. What other days may I have missed without evening realising it?

Using the very same logic as our friends over the pond, I think I’ve stumbled upon a few. I needed to adopt the same “selective inclusion of zeros” policy to make it work, and here it goes…

1st August 1912
World Classical Music Day

12th March 1945
National Fish Spotting Day

3rd March 1945
National Gramophone Day

1st June 1964
European Beer Day

8th August 1991
BBC Radio 2 Day

1st January 2008
National Directory Enquiries Day

9th September 2009
British Emergency Day

Fin.

Ultimate Big Brother: Day 9

Posted on by stuckon194

Number nine, Number nine, Number nine…
(Daily updates using only screen-grabs from Yahoo! News as Metro have given up… Well you don’t expect me to watch it do you?)

The Metro’s boycott continues and, seeing as my hand has started to come out in an unpleasant rash just holding my iPodTunesPhone with The Daily Mail in the browser, I’m going for Yahoo! News to inform the updates from now on. So, as promised, we have a nice new sub-heading too. Snappy isn’t it?

Ultimate Big Brother: Day 9

At least the headline is easier to work with today, although having never really watched Big Brother I’m not sure what many of the significant moments are.

It would be very easy to start with a gag about it being squeaky bum time for Channel 4 executives as all of the housemates, asides from Mrs Obama, got together and decided to become big fat ignorant racists. But that would be perhaps be considered distasteful by some. So I won’t do that.

The Daily Mail will be delighted with the first proper re-enactment, as all of the lady housemates got naked and spent the morning soaping themselves in the shower. That’ll be a five page spread about how outraged they are then. Again.

Meanwhile, Samuel and Sharon played at recreating the big Big Brother romance of recent years, Zippy and Sharon 2. It was all a disaster however as the two hapless housemates just couldn’t grasp the concept of coming up with a contrived romance, just for the telly.

New housemate Lembit spent the day crawling round, woofing and licking Ulkrika-ka-ka’s feet, as the former weather girl sat there with a face like thunder.

Nadia Sawalha almost managed to put her big blokey arms to good use while attempting to scale the fence. Unfortunately, with only inches to go, she lost her grip and landed on Mr Garrison and Mr Hat, dressed as Dr Evil and Mini Me as they belted out the Paul Young classic, “Wherever I lay Mr Hat, That’s My Home.”

TV’s Nick Cotton was spotted whispering to Nikki away from the other housemates at various points in the day although I’m not sure what that’s all about. Oh, and apparently there’s an eviction tomorrow too.

Is that everyone? The pic mentions a Brian. Do we have a Brian in there? Actually, do we even have a brain in there? Hmmmm… I think I’ve lost track of who’s in the house again so there will be a full roll-call tomorrow. Probably.

Fin.